or Why Being Good in Bed Is Insulting to a Man

Being good in bed is insulting to a man.

When a woman describes you as ‘good in bed,’ it should set off all sorts of alarm bells in your mind. Although on the surface it may seem like a compliment – after all, who wouldn’t want to be known for being a great lover – what she really means will horrify and embarrass you all the way down to your manly core. Here’s why.

She thinks being thoughtful and attentive in bed are good things. Men aren’t thoughtful or attentive! We plow right through our entire lives without once stopping to appreciate the stupid sunsets so, damned if we’ll notice her new hairstyle or her fussy likes and dislikes in the sack.

Along these same lines are being in tune with and connecting with her. It is unmanly to be in tune with a woman, in bed or out, and real men will have none of it! The only connection men have with their partners is our @#&%$ in her >?{}! and nothing else. Never make eye contact with your woman while having sex with her either.

Being well-groomed is for girls and gays. Real men have unibrows and jungles a la Amazonian. A good strong mustache with food in it and a hairy back will award you extra man bonus points. If it was good enough for James Connery Bond, it is damn well good enough for you too.

Gentle, Tender Touching
Man? Tender? Those two words should never be used in the same sentence. And a gentleman is either a misnomer or a man of noble birth who is treated gently by his slaves. Men don’t touch; we grab and paw and grope.

Men are also not subtle. We don’t beat around bushes, and we always go straight for nipples and tongues and bull’s eyes. Real men don’t take anything slow, and we don’t warm up our engines! Our mustangs can go from zero to sixty in .07 seconds, so why shouldn’t hers as well? We engage in foreplay by picturing her naked while she eats her salad. Any further delay before the action is insulting to a man.

Be a Giver, Ensure Your Partner’s Satisfaction, Put Her First
Bah. She should get all the pleasure she needs from being pounded by you at the speed of light.

Say How You’re Feeling During Sex
Men don’t say how we’re feeling during sex. We don’t say how we’re feeling EVER, period. A real man keeps as quiet as a mouse with a glassy-eyed stare during sex and lets his partner do all the screaming, yeah.

Don’t Kiss and Tell
Men not only tell the hell out of every single kiss, sometimes we go ahead and tell even when we haven’t really done any kissing. Napoleon didn’t keep quiet about his conquests, and neither do we! If being good in bed includes discretion and you are proud of that title, you are only barely a man.

Stay and Cuddle Afterward
Women believe this to be an integral part of being good in bed when really, it’s a mark of weakness. Real men immediately jump up and make a sandwich.

Remember, men, making love is what she is doing to you while you’re fucking her. Being good in bed is for pussies. So the next time your woman tells you you’re a terrible lover, hold your head high and wear it proudly. Lover is only one letter away from loser.