Like All the Time


If you are not a Christian, you may not be aware that one of their guru’s principle teachings is to avoid cold moral judgments of others.

Christians aren’t usually known for their open-minded, live and let live attitudes.

Still, the message is clear even in casual readings of their canon – and with further study, becomes even clearer. We should not pass moral judgment on others because we have no idea about their motives and their history that created their motives. “The thing here condemned is that disposition to look unfavorably on the character and actions of others, which leads invariably to the pronouncing of rash, unjust, and unlovely judgments upon them.” (Jamieson-Fausset-Brown Bible Commentary)

“Why do you show contempt for and judge people? -Don’t do that shit.” –Romans 14:10-13

“Whenever you criticize other people, you condemn yourself, because when it comes down to it, you’re both assholes.” –Romans 2:1

“Don’t judge others so they don’t judge you.” –Matthew 7:1

“Jesus Fucking Christ, did I not make it clear enough to stop being dicks about other people’s moral choices??!” –1 Corinthians 4:5

Word for word. Ish.


A Christian’s Shit
Unfortunately, judging is a natural byproduct of most religions. Or should I say waste product.

When a Christian sits down to eat her religious cheeseburger, part of it provides needed nourishment to her spirit. Also, because she is human, many times part of it is converted into excrement. Fecal waste matter is a natural part of the nourishment process.

In this case, a Christian’s droppings are her moral judgment tendencies. You can’t blame her. When you feel like you are privy to an absolute moral code, it’s natural to want to look down on others. Since her guru acknowledges this tendency but tells her she shouldn’t indulge in it, we can consider it a natural waste product of Christianity. Her organic Christian manure.


Enter Tequila
So, 1: she knows she shouldn’t look down on people, but 2: it’s hard to avoid since it sort of comes with the territory of doing practically anything wonderful. Vegetarians look down on meat eaters. Athletes look down on fat people. People who believe they are appointed by an all-powerful God to love other people look down on people who are just evolving aimlessly from worms. But she knows she shouldn’t.

Fortunately, there is a solution.

Everyone knows that judgment is the first thing to go when you add alcohol to the punch.

Alcohol affects judgment by interfering with neurotransmitters in the synapses of the brain. This happens particularly in the frontal lobe – the dick part of the brain responsible for, among other things, casting moral judgments on others and yourself.

Of course, too much drinking will result in impaired coordination, blurred vision, and even permanent brain damage, which can be fun but isn’t the point here. So let’s stick to mild drinking.

Mild drinking can turn a grinch grouch wet blanket party poop hypocrite homophobe religio-phile into a welcoming, embracing, understanding, magical, humane, inclusive, teddy bear, noble, fair, love-addict who everyone enjoys being around. The warm, lovely foundation is already carefully in place. All it takes is adding a drop of whiskey.

You could say that Tipsy Christians make the best Christians.

So do the world a favor and take a shot with a Christian..today! The best Christian is a drunk Christian.

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